AN ODE TO COLONS AND FAMILIES

Most of you will be wondering what in the world I am doing posting this, but since I want to keep these postings as sort of a journal I felt it necessary. The following are a collection of e-mails from my family that started yesterday from an e-mail my sister sent out about keeping our colons healthy, what came next I don't apologize for, I only shake my head and laugh, because I belong to a totally awesome family!

me, my sis, my mom, my other sisters and my brother getting ready to watch the polar express about 3 years ago

Racing in Lexington with my cousins
My brother on the left a few hours after having his tonsils removed, my cousin a few hours after having his jaw broken, reset, and wired shut
my brother in law, I don't think I need to say more

For those of you that know my family, enjoy! For those of you that don't, I hope we can still be friends.

sister Erika-I have concern for all of you family members because as some of us have "become of age" to worry about such things as a colonoscopy and colon cancer. I've seen about 1,000 colons that are unhealthy and full of polyps. So here is a bit of info on how to decrease the risk of colon problems as we age. Alrighty then.for more info go to http://www.medterms.com/ good stuff.

(uncle Mark)-Erica-babe, Thank you for this detailed information. It has prompted many questions / thoughts: 1. Is a Crown Burger considered an item with high fiber? Many lives are hanging in the balance on this answer. 2. My father taught that in refined circles, one does not discuss certain words. I believe colon, cervix and the like are among them. I take umbrage at your frequent usage of forbidden words. 3. I would rather have the end of my left unmentionalbe be called the He-Man-Woman-Hater unmentionable rather than the Sigmoid unmentionable. Don't you think that has a bit more style? 4. In the distant past, we have gathered during the holidays to have a toe nail competition amongst the brethren. Perhaps it is time to announce a competition to see who has the healthiest / largest / ugliest, etc. unmentionable. I nominate Wayne to be the judge. Do you think the grandchildren would support such an event on Christmas Eve? 5. I am concerned that the email police within my Company will be coming to take me away for the too frequent usage of unmentionable words. Would it be appropriate to use the family fund for bail money? 6. Does this unmentionable have anything to do with Craig's nickname (Low-down)? Inquiring minds need to know. Thanks, Mark

(my mom)-I am on the floor rolling around, weeping and laughing hysterically.
For years we have tried to train Scott to say certain words to no avail. Erika, with this recent information has shown us all that that vocabularies can truly be enhanced. Where as in past days she refused to utter certain words that I will of course not mention, while delicate eyes few this page.
Do you want Wayne Spjute to do the judging, or Dr. Wayne Mortensen who has certain tools I'm sure he could bring home for the Holidays?...Surely LuAnn has something to say about all of this!!!!! Karen

(uncle Wayne)-I think I would be a better judge. I have had said tools crammed up my you know what and crammed down my throat in hopes of finding something wrong with my innards. To no avail. My innards are perfect, in a rather large way. Thus making me a perfect judge.

(cousin Chelsea)-I would like to give props to Erika for helping in my venture to make my family eat more healthy.So, not only will you look nicer on the outside, you will be healthier on the inside. What a concept!

(Erika)-Dare I say, WOOF! For I never said we all need to experience your so-called unmentionables only that we should eat fiber to enhance the probability of not going through such things. As Linz would say, "I love you more than my luggage"

(Johnny-bro-in-law)-I was under the impression that Erika was designating herself as the judge. After the haughty remark of "I've seen about 1,000 C0)#$5 that are unhealthy and full of polyps," I believed that she was stating that she was the family expert on such matters, and should thus screen everyone "of age." With this said, I vote that she must bow out of her responsibilities as judge, because it would be too traumatic for all aforementioned parties to have this examination performed on such a holiday as Christmas Eve, let alone performed by a family member. There is a reason why people get anesthetized when they have certain procedures performed. The first is to save thousands of dollars on professional psychological help, and the second is so that you don't have to face family members directly after such a demeaning experience. I guess we will also have to excuse Wayne on the same grounds, since he is still considered family, no matter what Lisa says about him when he isn't around.

(cousin Sarah)-I am just wondering why we are discussing such miniscule (sp?) matters on this day, the 28th of February, the best day of the year. 21 years ago this day the best thing happened to every single one of you. ME!

(Johnny)-By all means, you are first then Sarah!

(my dad)-I was wondering why the sky seemed a little bluer and the birds were singing more sweetly...? It's Sarah's birthday!

(uncle Craig)-No doubt and to prove that point...it was sadly 21 years ago today I still thought babies were nothing more than an odd looking bowell movement. No one told me different. Alas, the birds and the bees discussion with gramps ended after 5 minutes torturous unmentionable words and finally he said moms 'push' and the baby comes out....at that same time I heard mom yelling to twang on the upstairs 'pot', "just push Wayne and it will eventually come out." and dad merely said, well, you know the rest of the story.....

(aunt Gail)-Well, after all of that, I want to carefully ask if any of you might be prescribed Vytorin. My doc gave me a month's supply, but after two days, I couldn't take it. I know it's expensive, so it's up for grabs.

(sis Kaylene)-If it's anything like vicodin keep it away from my dad. He's been clean for 47 days! Way to go dad!

(dad)-Well, now the Secret is out!! For all these years, and no one knew.........until now.

(aunt Ann)-This is all a might confusing. I will be having my colonoscopy in March. getting old is rough. Scott is clean from what...........?